Brian's Fake News

February 25, 2008

New York, NY (AP) -- It was announced on national TV and radio stations today that Jack Thomas, of New York, died last night. Jack was a well-known homeless man who spent his days pandering for change, looking for old clothes or food leftovers. Due to the selfishness of passers-by, however, Jack succumb to starvation and hypothermia. He almost got what he needed, but it wasn't enough. He was 54.

Reached for comment on his death, Jack Thomas of Glens Falls stated " I have no idea who the hell this guy is. I'm not dead. I'm fine. My parents were hysterical upon hearing this. Please stop playing it!"


March 16, 2008

Albany, NY (AP) -- As reported in this morning's print edition of the Times Union, unsurprised followers of this story were not impressed today when Alan Doane announced, for the fifth time, that he has ended any affiliation with religion. Stated Doane, "It never helped me before. Why start believing it could do me any good now?" Reached for comment, every single religious leader told us they will not miss Doane, nor attempt to get him to return. At the Albany County Airport, Jehova's Witness recruiters commented that they would say hello to Doane if he approached them, otherwise they would not waste their time, stating "There's no convincing that sap."

When reached for comment, Alan Doane told us "Thanks for the story. It is something I had been thinking my whole life. I'm not sure why you had to put it in the paper though."